Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Ugly Babies Are Real!


This is my general mentality when it comes to babies: I love them, and all kids in general, they say and do the most ridiculous things and are always good for a cuddle or a laugh. BUT the thing I love most about babies? After you’re done playing with them, teaching them dirty words, and feeding them sugary treats... you can pass them back to their parents and go home to your cat and poop-free apartment.

that's me on the far left ... yep.
As I’m getting to that age where everyone thinks it’s a good idea to start procreating (fyi, it’s not) I’ve been thinking a lot about babies. Now, babies aren’t awkward ... I don’t think babies can really be awkward, or feel awkward. Yes, there is definitely an awkward stage; I went through it two times over. But I don’t think babies are awkward because they don’t understand that when they pull down mommy’s shirt in front of a crowd that it’s super awkward for her... they’re babies.

BUT what is awkward, is when someone has an ugly baby. Now everyone can hate me for saying that a baby is ugly, but whether you admit it or not, everyone has encountered one tragic looking baby. Now, this isn’t to say that this child with be stricken with the ugly stick their whole life. I’ve seen a lot of my friend’s baby photos, and some of them were downright ugly, but they’ve grown up to be gorgeous individuals.

So when you meet your friend/relative/coworkers little bundle of joy for the first time, and it looks like an ape-human hybrid sent to earth to eat your soul, what do you do? Obviously you have to be prepared for this type of situation, because you start all “aaaawwwwww omg let me see herrrrr” and then you quickly recoil with a “ ... oh, oh no” and that can never end well. I haven’t asked any of my friends with babies yet, but I can imagine that someone wouldn’t take it very well if they could tell that you thought their child was ugly.

me and daddy-o ... things started looking up!
So the only way to safely get out of this situation rawkward free is to be prepared. Admit that yes, babies can be ugly, and be prepared for the day when you encounter the ugly baby. Quickly change the subject to mom (or dad) and ask how they’re coping, if they’ve slept, how busy they are, how exciting being a new parent is ... blah blah blah etc etc. Obviously in your head the entire time you’re thinking “omg stop looking at me ugly baby!” But the important thing is that the parents never know how you truly feel.

For the record, I’m not referencing any of my friends’ babies... your baby is, of course, adorable. 

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Awkward Averted

I’m going to tell a little story today... about a girl who narrowly escaped the most awkward situation of her life. Surprise! It’s me!

Ok so, let me set the scene; you’re super excited because you just found out that your best friend and your boyfriend’s best friend are engaged AND getting married in Jamaica! OMG so exciting. You start planning and preparing, picking out bridesmaid dresses and sending invitations. Then you almost pee yourself and cry at the same time when you receive some startling news; the ex boyfriend is also coming on said vacation.

Now this isn’t just any old ex boyfriend, one of the random forget-his-names that lasted about as long as Lindsay Lohan’s sobriety, it’s THE ex boyfriend. The high-school love, virginity stealing, move away to University together ex boyfriend. It’s also worth mentioning that this ex boyfriend and the current boyfriend HATE each other. The ex took the breakup pretty hard, I used my signature break-up tactic, so he has obviously been pining over me ever since (what can I say, I’m hard to forget).

yaayyy now the boyfriend and I will have a fab vacation! 
Well, as you can imagine, I start panicking. This is going to be bad, very very bad. Being away in a foreign country, with a relatively small group of people and unlimited alcoholic beverages... I smell disaster and it smells awkward. For months, all that kept running through my mind was yelling and fighting and crying, and ultimately a lot of awkward conversation and a ruined vacation. Now, you might ask why the bride and groom would put us in this situation? Well they are both very good friends with this ex, and they introduced me to him AND the current boyfriend. Apparently they’re my cupids and I can’t find a boy who likes me without them. So I couldn’t very well blame them for wanting to have all of their good friends attend their wedding.

BUT this story does have a happy ending! The ex ended up getting a new job and not being able to take the week off from work. (Thank you cosmic gods!) So crisis is averted, and I can now go back to bikini shopping and getting giddy about my vacation.

Unfortunately I don’t have any advice for how to handle this awkward situation, if any of you are unlucky enough to find yourself in the same boat. The only advice I can give is: Don’t date your friends’ friends.

Rawkward = avoided! 

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

I Have a Girl Crush on Jennifer Lawrence...

Before I go into detail with this post, I have to define a (sometimes confused) term: girl crush. There are 3 types of girl crushes;

1. Bestie girl crush: I think this girl is hilarious, fun and flat-out amazing. I want her to be my best friend.
2. Bombshell girl crush: I think this girl is beautiful, and has a ridiculous amount of sex appeal. I’m super jealous of her
3. Les-be-honest girl crush: A combination of the Bestie and the Bombshell. If I didn’t like boys so much, I would definitely date her.

I have the biggest Les-be-honest girl crush on Jennifer Lawrence right now! Maybe it's because she's generally a bit of an awkward girl like me, but she's also gorgeous, hilarious, intelligent, talented … I could go on forever. But what really sealed the deal on this latest girl crush? Her outstanding recovery from an awkward situation at the 2013 Oscar Awards. I think everyone has seen the latest Academy Awards ceremony this previous week, if you haven’t you should probably stop reading my blog now, because we obviously are not on the same level. Anyways, Jennifer Lawrence fell victim to a classic awkward situation: falling up the stairs. This situation is brought to another level simply because it was at the Oscars with millions watching, as she was going up to receive her award for Best Actress. She handled the situation better than even I could have, with poise, grace and of course humour. Just watch her media conference after the ceremony, and try to tell me you don’t have a girl crush on her too! 

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Lost in Textlation

So you’re texting this guy, getting your flirt on and laying out your best lines, you think everything is headed straight for relationship-land when you find out that you misread “you’re cute” for “I love you”. It’s the age-old tale of being lost in textlation, the awkward moment when you realize that you’ve misread the signs and are on completely different pages – or different books entirely. You think the relationship is going somewhere, while he thinks it’s just casual flir-texting. I have to be honest, I stole the term ‘lost in textlation’ from Jimmy, but I think his video sums up this situation perfectly. (*if you’re easily offended by vulgar language – don’t watch this)

I think that everyone has experienced this awkward situation of misread texts. If you think you haven’t, you have, you just didn’t realize it … sorry. I think the general rule of thumb for everyone is to try not to assume things, because we all know what happens when we assume … Try to play it cool and not read too deeply into texts, it’s difficult to tell a person’s tone and voice through texting, and ever harder to figure out sarcasm and humour (without putting tons of little emoticons – guilty – but try not to use those, you’re a grown up). An even better tactic? Have conversations in person! I know it’s a revolutionary concept, but try it. It just might reduce the amount of awkward in your life, and maybe you’ll finally find that special someone who really does mean “I love you”. 

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Believe in Boxer Briefs

 Let me set the scene for you;

marry me. 
You’ve been seeing this certain someone for quite a while now … he’s attractive, intelligent and the perfect gentleman (I’m picturing Ryan Gosling right now, you can insert your own fantasy). After weeks of dates and cuddling you’ve finally decided to stop torturing him, and let him spend the night. Everything is in place and the mood is set. You’re looking like a rocket and channeling your inner VS Angel, and then he drops his pants and it’s all over … bright yellow Bart Simpson boxers.

“Uhm, actually I have this really big English essay due tomorrow, I have to do it now.”
  … “Now?”
“Yes, right now, you have to leave.”

There is nothing worse, or more awkward, than a man who has no idea (or just doesn’t care) what type of undergarments are age appropriate. He could be perfect, a-la the Ryan Gosling fantasy I described above, but if he doesn’t wear the right underwear it’s just not gonna happen, and getting out of that situation is loads of awkward… trust me. So I think the best way to tackle this is to educate our men on what is, and what isn’t, appropriate. 

Here is my chart of age appropriate underwear choices:

Age 2-11: briefs/tighty-whiteys
Age 12-18: boxers (get all the Bart Simpson boxers you want boys)
Age 19-39: boxer briefs (the only thing appropriate for an adult man with any kind of sex appeal)
Age 40-60: boxers
Age 61+: briefs/tightey-whiteys (see, it all comes full circle)
See what I mean? 

I mean, women spends tons of money on the perfect lingerie, always matching and seasonally appropriate, so is it too much to ask that my boyfriend just wear boxer briefs? I don’t think so.

good luck ladies.