Ugly Babies Are Real!

Babies!

This is my general mentality when it comes to babies: I love them, and all kids in general, they say and do the most ridiculous things and are always good for a cuddle or a laugh. BUT the thing I love most about babies? After you’re done playing with them, teaching them dirty words, and feeding them sugary treats... you can pass them back to their parents and go home to your cat and poop-free apartment.

that's me on the far left ... yep.

As I’m getting to that age where everyone thinks it’s a good idea to start procreating (fyi, it’s not) I’ve been thinking a lot about babies. Now, babies aren’t awkward ... I don’t think babies can really be awkward, or feel awkward. Yes, there is definitely an awkward stage; I went through it two times over. But I don’t think babies are awkward because they don’t understand that when they pull down mommy’s shirt in front of a crowd that it’s super awkward for her... they’re babies.

BUT what is awkward, is when someone has an ugly baby. Now everyone can hate me for saying that a baby is ugly, but whether you admit it or not, everyone has encountered one tragic looking baby. Now, this isn’t to say that this child with be stricken with the ugly stick their whole life. I’ve seen a lot of my friend’s baby photos, and some of them were downright ugly, but they’ve grown up to be gorgeous individuals.

So when you meet your friend/relative/coworkers little bundle of joy for the first time, and it looks like an ape-human hybrid sent to earth to eat your soul, what do you do? Obviously you have to be prepared for this type of situation, because you start all “aaaawwwwww omg let me see herrrrr” and then you quickly recoil with a “ ... oh, oh no” and that can never end well. I haven’t asked any of my friends with babies yet, but I can imagine that someone wouldn’t take it very well if they could tell that you thought their child was ugly.

me and daddy-o ... things started looking up!

So the only way to safely get out of this situation rawkward free is to be prepared. Admit that yes, babies can be ugly, and be prepared for the day when you encounter the ugly baby. Quickly change the subject to mom (or dad) and ask how they’re coping, if they’ve slept, how busy they are, how exciting being a new parent is ... blah blah blah etc etc. Obviously in your head the entire time you’re thinking “omg stop looking at me ugly baby!” But the important thing is that the parents never know how you truly feel.

For the record, I’m not referencing any of my friends’ babies... your baby is, of course, adorable. 

Awkward Averted

I’m going to tell a little story today... about a girl who narrowly escaped the most awkward situation of her life. Surprise! It’s me!

Ok so, let me set the scene; you’re super excited because you just found out that your best friend and your boyfriend’s best friend are engaged AND getting married in Jamaica! OMG so exciting. You start planning and preparing, picking out bridesmaid dresses and sending invitations. Then you almost pee yourself and cry at the same time when you receive some startling news; the ex boyfriend is also coming on said vacation.

Now this isn’t just any old ex boyfriend, one of the random forget-his-names that lasted about as long as Lindsay Lohan’s sobriety, it’s THE ex boyfriend. The high-school love, virginity stealing, move away to University together ex boyfriend. It’s also worth mentioning that this ex boyfriend and the current boyfriend HATE each other. The ex took the breakup pretty hard, I used my signature break-up tactic, so he has obviously been pining over me ever since (what can I say, I’m hard to forget).

yaayyy now the boyfriend and I will have a fab vacation! 

Well, as you can imagine, I start panicking. This is going to be bad, very very bad. Being away in a foreign country, with a relatively small group of people and unlimited alcoholic beverages... I smell disaster and it smells awkward. For months, all that kept running through my mind was yelling and fighting and crying, and ultimately a lot of awkward conversation and a ruined vacation. Now, you might ask why the bride and groom would put us in this situation? Well they are both very good friends with this ex, and they introduced me to him AND the current boyfriend. Apparently they’re my cupids and I can’t find a boy who likes me without them. So I couldn’t very well blame them for wanting to have all of their good friends attend their wedding.

BUT this story does have a happy ending! The ex ended up getting a new job and not being able to take the week off from work. (Thank you cosmic gods!) So crisis is averted, and I can now go back to bikini shopping and getting giddy about my vacation.

Unfortunately I don’t have any advice for how to handle this awkward situation, if any of you are unlucky enough to find yourself in the same boat. The only advice I can give is: Don’t date your friends’ friends.

Rawkward = avoided!